No this post is not about life being created or destroyed; it is about moments of time. John Green said it best in his book Looking for Alaska, we do not recall our lives as hours or chapters, we recall it based upon the before and after's of important events. For me it happens to be arguments in the short term and relationships for the long term.
I am now living in the after of my last great relationship, it was a two year long moment of happiness. But all moments must come to and end, and I caused this one to blow up in my face. I made some decisions that came back and caused the greatest thing to ever happen to me to come crashing down around me. That was about three months ago. The dust, I believe, has finally settled from that. However it has caused much more turmoil in my short-term life than I could have imagined.
The past summer I have had some pretty intense disagreements with my Best friend, many of which turned out to be misunderstandings, but some, such as the one that has been occurring over the past week were sincere and pointed to a much deeper problem in our friendship. However, as with most things in life, I cannot simply go to my friend and tell them what is wrong, they haven’t given me that option. They have instead chosen to stop talking to me for now. So I will embrace that and instead focus on other aspects of my life until the dust from this explosion too settles, as I think it is beginning to do now.
I worked today, and as a lifeguard I get a lot of time to think and ponder. Today I was able to clear away much of the smoke and dust clouding my vision of our friendship. This morning I was ready to throw the whole thing out the window, say screw you and move on with life. However that would do nothing for either of us. Instead I have decided to wait. To try out this new patience thing I have been working on and see what happens after you have had a chance to sort your life out some more.
In the process of our spat, i have said things, some of them publicly and many more of them privately into my own thoughts, that I am not proud of and that have, or would have, hurt you. For that I am deeply sorry. I have told you that, and I’d like to show you.
With all of that said, I anticipate that we will continue to fight, and I will always make things worse while I try to make things better. That is a lesson that I don’t think I will ever fully learn. However at the end of the day id like to be able to tell myself two things: that I have done everything to the best of my ability, and that someone somewhere out there cares about me. Tonight I can tell myself at least one of those things.
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