The First Days of School

I'm back at school. There really are only freshmen here right now and it is pretty boring. I've basiclly ended up laying in bed just vegging the past day or so. Its given me plenty of time to think (and as we all know that never ends well for me).

Today, after cleaning up the weather lab I started pondering the idea of belonging. Where do I fit in? Right now I don't fit in Sterling, Em was my last real tie there other than my family and now not only is she no longer there, she is no longer a tie to anywhere for me. And I don't feel like I belong here at Cal right now, none of my friends are here, and in all reality I'm not sure I have friends here after the past summer. I have done a great job at inadvertently burning bridges in my social life. That leaves no where for me to belong.

I have thought quite a bit about relationships too, and not just boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. I have given a fair amount of thought to the word itself, what does it actually mean? A relationship is any mutual contact and interaction between two people. I have a relationship with my parents, my brother, and all my friends. However we as a society tend to give the word a differnt meaning. To most of us a relationship is the same as infatuation/love. But when does friendship turn into love? How do we know when its "safe" to take that leap of faith and put ourselves out there?

I don't take rejection well, not because I care what other think of me (I am who I am and no one will tell me otherwise), but because I have always been rejected by other people. I've never been the popular kid. I ate lunch alone in highschool, and ended up spending the majority of my evenings at home. I wasn't smart in highschool and really only have friends in my major here in college. Emily was all I ever had.

Everyone here at Cal told me at one point or another that we should break up. And now that its happened I feel very out of place here. I know that I should create more relationships, but I just don't know how. I generally don't like people and the ones I do like usually don't like me. I see people walking around with groups of friends laughing and talking and I look at myself, back to eating lunch alone.