Its All Been a Lie

As I lay here getting ready for bed I finally understand the whole summer, no the entire last 6 or so months. I understand now why I have done what I did and where everything went wrong. I make it a rule in my life not to lie to anyone, it always just makes things worse. Turns out I have been lying all along, to myself.

Long distence relationships are difficult under the best circumstances, and nearly impossible under the worst. Em and I made ours last almost two years, sort of. I guess you could say the last 6 to 9 months of it were rocky and we had very much fallen apart before that. Id like to say that we had the best circumstaces, but we didn't. There was a lot of doubt there on my part that I never saw until now.

The problems really started when I got to know Ericka better. She was exactly everything that I thought I wanted in someone,no more or less. That's not to say I didn't love Em, because Em was my whole world when I met Ericka. However I found myself attracted to Ericka nontheless. It made me constintly question my relationship with Em. And then Em felt it too, there was someting wrong, I don't know if she knew what but I think she had a pretty good guess.

At this point I was back at school, and Em started to grow apart from me, she questioned what we had, and even broke up with me for about a week. But we worked everything out and stuck it out. I knew that I could never be with Ericka, she had a boyfriend and I had Em. I still wanted to be with her though. I told myself she was just a friend, nothing more. Then her relationship crumbled.

This isn't the place to go into details, but I ended up spending a lot of time supporting her, and it pulled me further from Em, though I didn't see it. I started complaining about the little things more and I generally felt more distant. This is when it all changed.

I felt lonely. I had Em, sort of, and I had Ericka to a degree. But I didn't have either compleatly, and so I was in this awkward limbo of loneliness. Then I decided at some point to go for it, make the leap and choose just one. Em broke up with me a few days later.

I thought maybe things would work out with Ericka, they wouldn't. We have gone all summer awkwardly trying to decide what we are to eachother. In the end we always end up fighting over it, and now I see why.

I am lonely. I made a mistake and it has taken almost a year for me to realize it. I have been lonely ever since I first doubted my relationship with Em. I fight with Ericka because I know she is the only thing between me and complate loneliness. I am mad not at her, but at myself for breaking the only rule I have ever compleatly followed in my life, no lying, ever.

So it is as I lie here, alone in the dark, writing a post the no one will read that I have finally been able to admit that I was wrong. I am alone and I do not like it. I am alone and it is all my fault. I am alone and I am sorry to both of you for pulling you into all of this.