So as it turns out, I dont care. Let me clarify that, its not that I dont care so much as nothing seems to matter to me anymore. Its not that im reckless, or that there aren't people and things that matter to me, I just have a very "ehh" outlook right now. I dont like it.
Perhaps it will help if I give some examples. I missed doing a lab the other day, I dont see it as a big deal. I missed doing an online assignment yesterday, oh well. I sit in my room and spend all my time online/watching TV because no one wants to hang out with me, I guess it sorta sucks.
See its not that Im reckless or dont care about stuff, its just that nothing seems to have meaning like it used to. Its a problem, I should be upset that I missed an assignment. It should bother me a lot that people dont say hi to me or dont want to do stuff. I should be pissed off when people are jerks to me. But Im not. I wish things were different, and I sure as hell wish I knew why I feel this way, however I dont see that happening anytime soon.
Though there is one person that I still very much care about, I try to call her sometimes and she doesn't pick up the phone, I text her and she wont text back. When we do talk I feel like everything truly will be okay and that all of this is for the best. However, once she hangs up I want to do nothing but cry out of hopelessness. It frustrates me but I deal with it because Im more concerned that she is happy than I am. That was the problem that got me into this mess I suppose, I finally couldn't keep it up and became selfish, too much too fast.
I realized when I went home a few weeks ago that it wasn't the same. I think thats when this all started, or at least when I started to notice it. I try to talk to people about it but I feel like the whole world is moving forward around me and I am destined to be stuck here in this same place for the rest of forever. I feel hopeless that things will work out and I dont want any of this to have changed. Everything was great the way it was before and I am pretty sure that its never going to be as great as it was.
It all goes back to the theme of my life the past few months, I am alone, and I am scared of being alone forever.