Monday, September 12, 2011

Forgiveness

Tonight I am working at the desk for my dorm. It is a job that involves sitting in front of a tiny window from midnight until 8am. It sucks. However it does usually allow me the time to do homework.

I got to thinking tonight, before I got down here I talked to Em. That often gets me thinking. She told me I was being stupid writing off a friend as easily as I did. She made the point that perhaps she was just as confused about things as I was. I had considered that but was far too hurt to care about her. After a week though I can see everything much more clearly now.

She commented on something I posted on Facebook tonight, and then texted me a little later. Long story short we made up and things are fine. It got me thinking about the concept of forgiveness again.

Forgiveness is a topic that has been near to me for the past couple months. I firmly believe I understand what true remorse feels like, and what it is like to forgive someone fully. I dont know that I am there yet in this case but I can put everything behind me. Forgiveness though is much more than words.

Often I hear people say "I'm sorry" and then do everything over again. It really saddens me to see how easily society can apologize and not even think about what they did wrong. Sorry is so much more than just words however. To be truly sorry you need to show it. It is not easy to do. I have often insincerely said sorry, but until this summer I never knew what it was like to feel truly remorseful for something that I had done.

At the end of the day (or rather morning in this case) I am still stuck in the same situation. I am alone, I still doubt myself all the time, and I still dont trust hardly anyone. I am still a scientist at my core, and therefore I still overanalyze absolutely everything in my life (including all of this). I mean I do now see where everything went wrong and why I am where I am. I see why I am having such trouble letting go and moving on, but none of that helps. Knowing is only half the battle as it turns out and therefore I need to forgive. Until I can forgive her, and myself, I will not be able to move on.

In other news, the club is moving along just fine and classes are piling up. I have homework that needs done and no time to do it. We had our EAS picnic yesterday, and I got to see my mentor again which was great. I am happy here still, though its no easier than it was before. In fact, since everyone graduated it just seems plain boring here anymore.

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