Realizations

Adding to my list of realizations I have had the past two weeks is another pretty big one. It no secret that I used to have a best friend, and that I liked her. It is also no secret that it would never have worked out.

I talked to her Ex (who also happens to be a friend of mine) the other night, and we got on the topic of her. We talked about how I now understand much better why they broke up and why there is much tension between them still. He broke her heart, and she hates him for it. I don’t think she will ever admit that fact to anyone, let alone herself, but it's true nonetheless. Now doing what I do best I applied this tid bit to my life and relationships with other people.

I hated her. Less than a week ago I wanted to never see her again. I thought she was selfish and a total bitch. I even told her that. I was mad at her and I had a long list of reasons why. But none of those reasons was a good one, at least not good enough to warrant the level of pissed I was. I was skipping over the two real reasons. The first of which I have already written a post on, I was mad at myself for being dumb. The second reason however is more complicated. I thought I knew who she was and I really liked her. Turns out that I liked who I thought she was, I wanted to be with the person I made her out to be, not who she really is. So once I saw the truth, who she really is, it broke my heart. I hated her for the same reason she still hates him, though it wasn’t her fault. 

The difference here is that I am able to admit my shortcomings and learn from them. I pride myself on the fact that sometimes I am not perfect and make mistakes, and I strive to become a better person because of that. I don’t want to be doomed to repeating the same mistakes over and over again, so I try to change enough as a person to not make those mistakes again. 

We are now friends, though not as close as we once were. This whole debacle is now very much behind us, with one exception, Ryan. I don’t want to meet him, she thinks I should. Meeting him will only cause me to a) regret my past, b) feel sorrow for the mistakes that pushed her to him, and c) be jealous enough of him to make more mistakes that I will regret. I wont put myself in the situation, so for now, and the foreseeable future, I will not meet Ryan, I refuse.