Friday, November 11, 2011

But I'm not the same as before

I write this to you in my final few hours before I turn 21. To most this is a huge coming of age thing. To me its not nearly as much of a big deal. I don't drink all that much, I really have no desire to, so turning 21 just means that I'm getting older. I'm not going to do anything much, maybe go get dinner with a few friends and go hang out at the bar for a few hours. nothing major. However I have noticed that My life is changing, fast.

When this semester started, I thought it would be really awkward because of everything that had happened and changed over the summer, and it was. The first few weeks and even months were just weird, I avoided most of it by staying in my room and just not really dealing with any of the underlying problems. Then we went to the NWA Conference in Birmingham a few weeks ago and everything changed again.

I rekindled my friendship with one friend and made a few new ones. I also managed to strengthen a grow a couple, but I also lost a friend. I did some stupid things one night that ended in a text to my ex (who was still friends with me). The next morning she texted me and we got into somewhat of an argument (or as much of an argument as you can while texting during a weather conference). It ended with her telling me to "F*** off" and not to talk to her anymore. I was really upset. I tried to apologize and she would just not answer the phone or anything. It made life horrible.

The next few weeks Id try calling her each Sunday or Saturday and it would usually ring until I got her voicemail and Id leave a message. Last weekend it only rang twice and then went to voicemail, she had deliberately ignored me, I was crushed. I couldn't, and still don't, understand why she was so upset at me, I mean yeah, I screwed up, but I was trying to apologize and make things right. She didn't want any of it.

Last night, about 1am, my phone started ringing, I was a little surprised to see it was her. I answered and she went on and on about how she was sorry for ignoring me and tried to explain why she was mad and yada yada, I wasn't really listening to be honest, I was still surprised she had called, perhaps this meant a second chance? When she finished I took the time to say what I had been wanting to say for weeks and then it got awkward, it was just quiet, neither of us talking, then she broke the silence "I'm dating a guy" she said. I told her good for you. I didn't mean it in a mean way, and I honestly am glad for her that she found someone, but I was understandable bitter at the same time.

I had finally gotten over this girl. I had been with her for over two years, and until the last few months everything had been great. I had imagined that I would eventually spend my whole life with her. Then we just grew apart I guess, things got strained until a few stupid decisions of mine later I was single again. I had tried to date a couple people, none of those worked out so well for me (though thankfully none have blown up in my face quite as bad as this one did). However I was upset though, and justifiably so if you ask me, that she just came out and was rubbing this in my face, it still bothers me to some degree.

So we hang up after that, her mad at me and I mad at her, and I did what I do when I need to get away, I walked. I waled down to this new place I was shown by the river and train tracks. Its just calm and peaceful down there, so close to school and town and campus yet hidden enough that you feel like no one will ever find you. I leave my thoughts there to float away on the river, hoping maybe things will make more sense. Its even better when its really foggy. I sat there in the freezing cold, watching the couple of snow flakes float by (there were only 10 or 15 that I could see so it wasn't really snowing per se) until things started to make sense. I had to be the bigger person, I always have had to be. I called her back, apologized and asked her if we could just be friends, literally just friends, she said sure then made up some excuse to get off the phone. I thought things were okay but this morning I was still bitter.

Maybe its because she found someone before me, maybe its because she found someone at all. Its not easy see someone replace you in someone else's life. But I think that its more because things have changed. Not just for me but for her as well, for my new friends and my old friends and even my better friends, things are not what they used to be. Life has not gotten easier or harder, better or worse, its just different now. I'm not sure how I like it, though I suppose I don't really have a choice in the matter. I think the reason this is so hard for me though is because things have not changed for me in years, and while I know that there is so much more ahead, I can barely believe that I'm here. I know that I can do this, I have a great education and great connections in my field, terrific