It has Been Far Too Long

Wow... It really has been far too long since I have posted in here. School and life just sort of got in the way. Thats not true. Life got in the way, but in a good way.

See not too long after my last post I met the most amazing person ever. I was just out on a walk with a friend and we ran into one of his friends, and they started talking. It was one of those awkward moments were you just sorta stand there and hope that they finish up soon cause you are the awkward third wheel. Except it wasnt just me. She had a friend with her also so we started talking (more so that we didnt have to awkwardly stand there).

I found out that it is an incredibly small world my friends. She not only was in one of my classes last semester (when this all happened) but lived in my building ON MY FLOOR. I mean how had I never seen her before. Beyond that she is a Geology major, so has classes on the same floor and building as I do, and was at the Earth Sciences Picnic. I never noticed her.

I feel bad that I never noticed her then, but my head was full. It wasnt looking for new people to meet, I just wanted to forget the old.

It has been many months since then, and we are now happily dating. She is the most amazing girl ever. I really dont know how I got along in those dark months after my ex, but I no longer need to think about that. Life has really turned up lately.

I dont have anything to complain about, I have a work study doing something I enjoy, I have an amazing girlfriend, I am graduating a semester early with very easy classes. I am happy again, oh except for that pile of papers that needs written....

Speaking of writing papers, I need data. My entire assignment and topic hinge on being able to get data from the National Climatic Data Center, however their website is down. It will be down for the foreseeable future as well. This is the only complaint I have, I may fail this class simply because I cannot get data due to a server failure. Perhaps my professor will give me an extension due to circumstances outside my control (probably not).

Well that is all for now, I have procrastinated my paper writing long enough. I will try to write here more often, though over the next month it will surly be sporadic at best.

Summery of Life Till Now

So I'm laying here in bed mulling over life before I go to sleep. So much has happened in the past few months I'm not even sure where to start. I guess I should start with the worst.

Em and I don't really see eye to eye anymore. I've finally gotten over her and moved on, and ever since that happened she has been cold to me. We never talk and when we do I feel like we are just going through pleasentries. So much for staying friends. She tried to rub it in my face that she is seeing someone, I don't really care though .

My best friend and I had a bit of a spat before break, and yet within a few days we were friends again. I am always amazed at how that happens every time. We yell and scream and say such hurtful things and yet we still care about each other.

And then there is the happiness in my life, my ray of hope. I met this girl while walking with a friend. He started talking to his friend and so we just started chatting and it just seemed different to me. She's not ready for a relationship however, and so I'm going to just wait, and thas how I know I really like her. I am the most impatent person ever, and yet I don't mind waiting. We talk often, and I always smile when I see a text from her. She's sweet and funny and smart. Not to mention pretty as well. I'm absolutly smitten with her, yet I'm not sure she even knows. But such is life.

School was difficult last semester, I just squeeked by in a few classes. My paper turned out fantastic and I'm very happy with it. I can't wait to submit it as a poster for a conference next year.

Speaking of conferences, I will be in New Orleans in a few weeks for AMS. I'm very excited because I know what to expect this year and a couple good frens are going as well. Its also nice that I will know a few vendors there, one is a guy I work with for my internship. It should be a fantastic week.

That's all I have for now though, it seemed like so much before I wrote it out. I still cannot get Elizabeth off my mind, I just smile thinking about her. I should have more posts in the next few weeks, some will be deeper and some will be just my summery of life. Until then I must sleep however =)

But I'm not the same as before

I write this to you in my final few hours before I turn 21. To most this is a huge coming of age thing. To me its not nearly as much of a big deal. I don't drink all that much, I really have no desire to, so turning 21 just means that I'm getting older. I'm not going to do anything much, maybe go get dinner with a few friends and go hang out at the bar for a few hours. nothing major. However I have noticed that My life is changing, fast.

When this semester started, I thought it would be really awkward because of everything that had happened and changed over the summer, and it was. The first few weeks and even months were just weird, I avoided most of it by staying in my room and just not really dealing with any of the underlying problems. Then we went to the NWA Conference in Birmingham a few weeks ago and everything changed again.

I rekindled my friendship with one friend and made a few new ones. I also managed to strengthen a grow a couple, but I also lost a friend. I did some stupid things one night that ended in a text to my ex (who was still friends with me). The next morning she texted me and we got into somewhat of an argument (or as much of an argument as you can while texting during a weather conference). It ended with her telling me to "F*** off" and not to talk to her anymore. I was really upset. I tried to apologize and she would just not answer the phone or anything. It made life horrible.

The next few weeks Id try calling her each Sunday or Saturday and it would usually ring until I got her voicemail and Id leave a message. Last weekend it only rang twice and then went to voicemail, she had deliberately ignored me, I was crushed. I couldn't, and still don't, understand why she was so upset at me, I mean yeah, I screwed up, but I was trying to apologize and make things right. She didn't want any of it.

Last night, about 1am, my phone started ringing, I was a little surprised to see it was her. I answered and she went on and on about how she was sorry for ignoring me and tried to explain why she was mad and yada yada, I wasn't really listening to be honest, I was still surprised she had called, perhaps this meant a second chance? When she finished I took the time to say what I had been wanting to say for weeks and then it got awkward, it was just quiet, neither of us talking, then she broke the silence "I'm dating a guy" she said. I told her good for you. I didn't mean it in a mean way, and I honestly am glad for her that she found someone, but I was understandable bitter at the same time.

I had finally gotten over this girl. I had been with her for over two years, and until the last few months everything had been great. I had imagined that I would eventually spend my whole life with her. Then we just grew apart I guess, things got strained until a few stupid decisions of mine later I was single again. I had tried to date a couple people, none of those worked out so well for me (though thankfully none have blown up in my face quite as bad as this one did). However I was upset though, and justifiably so if you ask me, that she just came out and was rubbing this in my face, it still bothers me to some degree.

So we hang up after that, her mad at me and I mad at her, and I did what I do when I need to get away, I walked. I waled down to this new place I was shown by the river and train tracks. Its just calm and peaceful down there, so close to school and town and campus yet hidden enough that you feel like no one will ever find you. I leave my thoughts there to float away on the river, hoping maybe things will make more sense. Its even better when its really foggy. I sat there in the freezing cold, watching the couple of snow flakes float by (there were only 10 or 15 that I could see so it wasn't really snowing per se) until things started to make sense. I had to be the bigger person, I always have had to be. I called her back, apologized and asked her if we could just be friends, literally just friends, she said sure then made up some excuse to get off the phone. I thought things were okay but this morning I was still bitter.

Maybe its because she found someone before me, maybe its because she found someone at all. Its not easy see someone replace you in someone else's life. But I think that its more because things have changed. Not just for me but for her as well, for my new friends and my old friends and even my better friends, things are not what they used to be. Life has not gotten easier or harder, better or worse, its just different now. I'm not sure how I like it, though I suppose I don't really have a choice in the matter. I think the reason this is so hard for me though is because things have not changed for me in years, and while I know that there is so much more ahead, I can barely believe that I'm here. I know that I can do this, I have a great education and great connections in my field, terrific

Accomplished

So I have spent the past week worrying about a paper I am writing for my Applied Climatology class here at school. Im looking at spatial continuity problems associated with pittsburgh coop site. To most this would sound boring but I find it intensely interesting. The first draft of my Literature Review was due today however, and I have been stressed to no end about it. I spent hours reading articles and writing and then rewriting paragraphs, moving things around and then reading more constantly worrying that it wouldn't be good enough. I finished it tonight.

I feel so accomplished that I was able to finish it, I know that it will come back covered in red ink (figuratively of course as everything was done digitally, even the submission) but I am excited to get it back and make it better. however more than that I am excited to start working with my data. This is the first project I've done with actual data, doing actual work that I can find no evidence of someone doing before. Though it's a small project, it really doesn't effect much in the grand scheme of things it sets me up to continue research in Seminar and further afterwards. In addition to this I would love to present this as a poster at AMS or even NWA.

I dont think I have ever been this excited about a 30 page paper, back in high school five pages seemed impossible, but now i can do five pages in just an hour or two. I enjoy writing, I like the challenge of putting thoughts down in a way that everyone can understand, the process of simplifying complex thoughts and processes into a way that someone with basic understanding can work with. I cant wait to dig into my data and start looking to see if my hypothesis is valid, or if i need to re work it into something else.

Ive finally found my niche in meteorology, I can work with engineering, weather and computers all at the same time. Im excited again about school, I can finish this semester and I can enjoy some of it. Life may have handed my lemons this past summer and fall but I have found out how to turn it into lemonade.

Favorite Sayings

So while I was growing up, my parents, like most, had a plethora of sayings to get me to be a good child, only two really ever stuck with me: Piss Poor Planning Promotes Piss Poor Performance, and my mom's favorite: Your lack of Planning does not my emergency make. Out of this I have come to be pretty self relient. If there is a big project I know I will need help with I tend to plan ahead of time to get that help. I leave time for things to go wrong and never ever let myself believe that my project is the most important thing in another persons life.

Unfortunately this does not hold true for everyone. Some people still think that I should drop whatever I am doing and focus on their problems. While I know this will continue to happen for the rest of my life, it is very frustrating. I was under the impression that we were in college here, and that perhaps you knew that presenting something of this magnitude in front of possible future employers was a very big deal. Waiting until the day before you leave to finish it is not a great idea, waiting until the afternoon before you leave to get it finalized is an even worse idea, expecting someone else to finalize it for you the afternoon before you leave is possibly the worst idea I have heard in a long time. So when I give you attitude about doing your stuff for you last minute, you have no room whatsoever to give me any attitude back, ever, because looking back I should have said no.

Sigh of Relief

So it's been a while since I have written a post, I've been a tad bit busy. between school work that is starting to pile up and activities with the club beginning to roll I have had time to gain many topics for a post but no time to write one. That said this is a sigh of relief for a while.

All of the crap that's been getting me down seems to have just melted away, I'm not sure what caused it to happen but I do know it happened sometime when I went home last. Perhaps it was because I was able to have a really great evening hanging out with Em, or maybe its because I made a friend in one of the freshmen. It could be all of the above, all I know is that I finally feel like I can stop worrying about all of that stuff from the summer and move on with life.

This relief comes as a doubled edged sword however, as now I realize how much work that I have ahead of me in just the next few weeks,  lit review for one class, a test next week in another, and two papers to write by the end of the month. Oh, and did I mention I will be leaving for a week in the middle of all this to attend a professional conference in Birmingham? This should be a fun month...

In all reality though its nothing I cannot do, I have had workloads like this in the past and come through them stronger than ever before. This is what college teaches us besides the actual facts, time management and stress management as well as giving us the knowledge that we can do things we think are impossible (such as doing a billion assignments in two weeks....)

On a closing note I have found two great new time wasters (no you know why my workload is so high for the next few weeks). the first is a game called Sugar, Sugar on addictinggames.com. the idea is you need to fill cups with 100 grains of sugar, sounds easy but it gets hard very fast. The second game is called Glitch. It is a MMO where you are a little person called a Glitch (or Glitchling or Glitchlet or whathaveyou). You learn skills and collect money and experience. you can mine rocks and turn them into other things. There is cooking and farming and exploring and its all very very easy to do. It is rather mindless and is a great way to unwind after one of "those" days. There is currently about a one week wait to get an invite after you've signed up, but I have 3 invitations to send to friends if any of you are interested.

Caring

So as it turns out, I dont care. Let me clarify that, its not that I dont care so much as nothing seems to matter to me anymore. Its not that im reckless, or that there aren't people and things that matter to me, I just have a very "ehh" outlook right now. I dont like it.

Perhaps it will help if I give some examples. I missed doing a lab the other day, I dont see it as a big deal. I missed doing an online assignment yesterday, oh well. I sit in my room and spend all my time online/watching TV because no one wants to hang out with me, I guess it sorta sucks.

See its not that Im reckless or dont care about stuff, its just that nothing seems to have meaning like it used to. Its a problem, I should be upset that I missed an assignment. It should bother me a lot that people dont say hi to me or dont want to do stuff. I should be pissed off when people are jerks to me. But Im not. I wish things were different, and I sure as hell wish I knew why I feel this way, however I dont see that happening anytime soon.

Though there is one person that I still very much care about, I try to call her sometimes and she doesn't pick up the phone, I text her and she wont text back. When we do talk I feel like everything truly will be okay and that all of this is for the best. However, once she hangs up I want to do nothing but cry out of hopelessness. It frustrates me but I deal with it because Im more concerned that she is happy than I am. That was the problem that got me into this mess I suppose, I finally couldn't keep it up and became selfish, too much too fast.

I realized when I went home a few weeks ago that it wasn't the same. I think thats when this all started, or at least when I started to notice it. I try to talk to people about it but I feel like the whole world is moving forward around me and I am destined to be stuck here in this same place for the rest of forever. I feel hopeless that things will work out and I dont want any of this to have changed. Everything was great the way it was before and I am pretty sure that its never going to be as great as it was.

It all goes back to the theme of my life the past few months, I am alone, and I am scared of being alone forever.