So as it turns out, I dont care. Let me clarify that, its not that I dont care so much as nothing seems to matter to me anymore. Its not that im reckless, or that there aren't people and things that matter to me, I just have a very "ehh" outlook right now. I dont like it.
Perhaps it will help if I give some examples. I missed doing a lab the other day, I dont see it as a big deal. I missed doing an online assignment yesterday, oh well. I sit in my room and spend all my time online/watching TV because no one wants to hang out with me, I guess it sorta sucks.
See its not that Im reckless or dont care about stuff, its just that nothing seems to have meaning like it used to. Its a problem, I should be upset that I missed an assignment. It should bother me a lot that people dont say hi to me or dont want to do stuff. I should be pissed off when people are jerks to me. But Im not. I wish things were different, and I sure as hell wish I knew why I feel this way, however I dont see that happening anytime soon.
Though there is one person that I still very much care about, I try to call her sometimes and she doesn't pick up the phone, I text her and she wont text back. When we do talk I feel like everything truly will be okay and that all of this is for the best. However, once she hangs up I want to do nothing but cry out of hopelessness. It frustrates me but I deal with it because Im more concerned that she is happy than I am. That was the problem that got me into this mess I suppose, I finally couldn't keep it up and became selfish, too much too fast.
I realized when I went home a few weeks ago that it wasn't the same. I think thats when this all started, or at least when I started to notice it. I try to talk to people about it but I feel like the whole world is moving forward around me and I am destined to be stuck here in this same place for the rest of forever. I feel hopeless that things will work out and I dont want any of this to have changed. Everything was great the way it was before and I am pretty sure that its never going to be as great as it was.
It all goes back to the theme of my life the past few months, I am alone, and I am scared of being alone forever.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Science and Politics
This year I am taking a class called applied climatology. It is mainly about how we can use climatology in a practical manner. As such, we spend quite a bit of time talking about climate change, in fact all of our lectures are about Anthropogenic Global Warming or AGW. AGW is what we scientists call human induced climate change.
Now I have a fairly different opinion of climate change than most people. I am of the thought that we do indeed effect the climate, and it is for sure changing, however whether or not we need or even should change the way we act just to try and reverse climate change is a huge grey area in my mind. Most people in general have an opinion one way or another, I am of the school of thought that we still do not know enough to make a true decision.
This raises one of my favorite part of science, policy. As a scientist, I am required to find only the facts, it is not up to me to create policy, only to share the facts. It is up to us to leave policy and discussions up to the law makers. unfortunately politicians dont understand science too well and often take what we say out of context.
An example of that is the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC)'s reports. They are comprised of 100's of pages of very scientific writing that even the most dedicated of climatologists can find dry and boring. They however also contain a piece developed specifically for policy makers and the press. This piece is so important that it is gone over line by line and sometimes word by word to ensure that all of the parties involved agree with what it is saying. However, like any piece of writing, if one line is taken out of context it is very easy to make it sound like something is very different that it truly is. This is the part of climate change science that is my favorite.
Another argument against climate science is that if we cant predict the weather out to 5 days, how can we predict it out to 100 years. The problem with this view is that we dont use meteorological models to predict climate, we use their cousins, climate models, which are use much different inputs than our meteorological models. This is because they were created specifically to predict climate, and we believe that they do pretty okay (admittedly they have problems, we know that and are working to make them more accurate, it will take time and money to make it happen however).
Sifting through all of the bad science and trying to find the nuggets of truth hidden in there, listening to politicians make fools of themselves defending something that is physically impossible and can be proven as such. This is the part of climate that I can get into.
On a related note, I am a (student) meteorologist, I predict weather. I am literally trying to tell you what will happen in the future. If you want to complain that I am not accurate enough or that I can not tell the weather a month out, I will just stop. You will be stuck not knowing what the hell will happen tomorrow and whether or not you need a jacket. So lay off the criticism and just be happy that we live in a society where you can be pretty sure of what the future holds for the next two or three days (at least as far as the weather goes).
Now I have a fairly different opinion of climate change than most people. I am of the thought that we do indeed effect the climate, and it is for sure changing, however whether or not we need or even should change the way we act just to try and reverse climate change is a huge grey area in my mind. Most people in general have an opinion one way or another, I am of the school of thought that we still do not know enough to make a true decision.
This raises one of my favorite part of science, policy. As a scientist, I am required to find only the facts, it is not up to me to create policy, only to share the facts. It is up to us to leave policy and discussions up to the law makers. unfortunately politicians dont understand science too well and often take what we say out of context.
An example of that is the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC)'s reports. They are comprised of 100's of pages of very scientific writing that even the most dedicated of climatologists can find dry and boring. They however also contain a piece developed specifically for policy makers and the press. This piece is so important that it is gone over line by line and sometimes word by word to ensure that all of the parties involved agree with what it is saying. However, like any piece of writing, if one line is taken out of context it is very easy to make it sound like something is very different that it truly is. This is the part of climate change science that is my favorite.
Another argument against climate science is that if we cant predict the weather out to 5 days, how can we predict it out to 100 years. The problem with this view is that we dont use meteorological models to predict climate, we use their cousins, climate models, which are use much different inputs than our meteorological models. This is because they were created specifically to predict climate, and we believe that they do pretty okay (admittedly they have problems, we know that and are working to make them more accurate, it will take time and money to make it happen however).
Sifting through all of the bad science and trying to find the nuggets of truth hidden in there, listening to politicians make fools of themselves defending something that is physically impossible and can be proven as such. This is the part of climate that I can get into.
On a related note, I am a (student) meteorologist, I predict weather. I am literally trying to tell you what will happen in the future. If you want to complain that I am not accurate enough or that I can not tell the weather a month out, I will just stop. You will be stuck not knowing what the hell will happen tomorrow and whether or not you need a jacket. So lay off the criticism and just be happy that we live in a society where you can be pretty sure of what the future holds for the next two or three days (at least as far as the weather goes).
Monday, September 12, 2011
Forgiveness
Tonight I am working at the desk for my dorm. It is a job that involves sitting in front of a tiny window from midnight until 8am. It sucks. However it does usually allow me the time to do homework.
I got to thinking tonight, before I got down here I talked to Em. That often gets me thinking. She told me I was being stupid writing off a friend as easily as I did. She made the point that perhaps she was just as confused about things as I was. I had considered that but was far too hurt to care about her. After a week though I can see everything much more clearly now.
She commented on something I posted on Facebook tonight, and then texted me a little later. Long story short we made up and things are fine. It got me thinking about the concept of forgiveness again.
Forgiveness is a topic that has been near to me for the past couple months. I firmly believe I understand what true remorse feels like, and what it is like to forgive someone fully. I dont know that I am there yet in this case but I can put everything behind me. Forgiveness though is much more than words.
Often I hear people say "I'm sorry" and then do everything over again. It really saddens me to see how easily society can apologize and not even think about what they did wrong. Sorry is so much more than just words however. To be truly sorry you need to show it. It is not easy to do. I have often insincerely said sorry, but until this summer I never knew what it was like to feel truly remorseful for something that I had done.
At the end of the day (or rather morning in this case) I am still stuck in the same situation. I am alone, I still doubt myself all the time, and I still dont trust hardly anyone. I am still a scientist at my core, and therefore I still overanalyze absolutely everything in my life (including all of this). I mean I do now see where everything went wrong and why I am where I am. I see why I am having such trouble letting go and moving on, but none of that helps. Knowing is only half the battle as it turns out and therefore I need to forgive. Until I can forgive her, and myself, I will not be able to move on.
In other news, the club is moving along just fine and classes are piling up. I have homework that needs done and no time to do it. We had our EAS picnic yesterday, and I got to see my mentor again which was great. I am happy here still, though its no easier than it was before. In fact, since everyone graduated it just seems plain boring here anymore.
I got to thinking tonight, before I got down here I talked to Em. That often gets me thinking. She told me I was being stupid writing off a friend as easily as I did. She made the point that perhaps she was just as confused about things as I was. I had considered that but was far too hurt to care about her. After a week though I can see everything much more clearly now.
She commented on something I posted on Facebook tonight, and then texted me a little later. Long story short we made up and things are fine. It got me thinking about the concept of forgiveness again.
Forgiveness is a topic that has been near to me for the past couple months. I firmly believe I understand what true remorse feels like, and what it is like to forgive someone fully. I dont know that I am there yet in this case but I can put everything behind me. Forgiveness though is much more than words.
Often I hear people say "I'm sorry" and then do everything over again. It really saddens me to see how easily society can apologize and not even think about what they did wrong. Sorry is so much more than just words however. To be truly sorry you need to show it. It is not easy to do. I have often insincerely said sorry, but until this summer I never knew what it was like to feel truly remorseful for something that I had done.
At the end of the day (or rather morning in this case) I am still stuck in the same situation. I am alone, I still doubt myself all the time, and I still dont trust hardly anyone. I am still a scientist at my core, and therefore I still overanalyze absolutely everything in my life (including all of this). I mean I do now see where everything went wrong and why I am where I am. I see why I am having such trouble letting go and moving on, but none of that helps. Knowing is only half the battle as it turns out and therefore I need to forgive. Until I can forgive her, and myself, I will not be able to move on.
In other news, the club is moving along just fine and classes are piling up. I have homework that needs done and no time to do it. We had our EAS picnic yesterday, and I got to see my mentor again which was great. I am happy here still, though its no easier than it was before. In fact, since everyone graduated it just seems plain boring here anymore.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Privacy
I was reading a post on Engadget yesterday about Iris scanners being developed for use in airports. I thought it sounded like a great idea. However I scrolled down to read the comments (which I usually do not do) and found that 9 out of 10 people were complaining about how it would be an invasion of their privacy. I found issue with this and it got me thinking.
Privacy is not guaranteed to us anywhere. Honestly I do not see why there is such a fear of someone knowing who we are. The problem I found with the posts though was more fundmental. They were complaining because the Government would know who we are. Now I was brought up in a house were we respected the government. I do not fear them and I do not think that they are out to screw me over.
So I posted on the comments about this, saying that I personally have nothing to hide from anyone, and I doubt that most people do. I live my life inside the law for the most part (okay, I do speed sometimes by a little, but so does everyone). The response I got was amazing.
Mostly there were a couple short responses that were funny talking about facebook and such, but there was one that attacked my comment. I felt he would make a worthy opponent so I did what I so enjoy doing and I answered his answer.
He pointed out that If I have nothing to hide that I should give him my account and routing numbers for my bank account, he would keep them safe, He told me that that government is not there to protect us but rather to stifle bad behavior, and that the TSA has a decidedly reactive mindset. I told me that he gives out nothing willingly and actively guards all of his information.
This doesn't seem to be a one off mindset in america. The scary part here is that there are fundmental flaws in this thinking. He told me that the government was not accountable for its own actions and that we were basically powerless against it. This mindset is what makes us powerless. Until we begin to hold the government accountable for its own actions, until we remember that we are the source of their power in the first place, we will continue to be at their whim.
The other part of his argument that really bothered me was when he said that the government does not protect us, they control us. He said that they are there to regulate behavior and provide a consequence for incorrect behavior. He then said that his greatest fear was that I vote.
Now correct me if I am wrong, but by providing consequences for incorrect actions and behaviors, you are protecting those with correct behaviors. By stopping the man from shooting someone you are protecting them. The government is there to provide order for society, part of providing that order is to protect them from each other.
I know this post is very different from my past griping about life and relationships, but this really bothered me. There are grown adults out there who truly think that the government is not accountable for its actions and that we should fear it. That is how America came into being in the first place, fear of an oppressive government. If it truly has become such a horrible system why do we not all rise up against it and start over?? Oh, because thats too much work right? Must not be that bad yet then.
Privacy is not guaranteed to us anywhere. Honestly I do not see why there is such a fear of someone knowing who we are. The problem I found with the posts though was more fundmental. They were complaining because the Government would know who we are. Now I was brought up in a house were we respected the government. I do not fear them and I do not think that they are out to screw me over.
So I posted on the comments about this, saying that I personally have nothing to hide from anyone, and I doubt that most people do. I live my life inside the law for the most part (okay, I do speed sometimes by a little, but so does everyone). The response I got was amazing.
Mostly there were a couple short responses that were funny talking about facebook and such, but there was one that attacked my comment. I felt he would make a worthy opponent so I did what I so enjoy doing and I answered his answer.
He pointed out that If I have nothing to hide that I should give him my account and routing numbers for my bank account, he would keep them safe, He told me that that government is not there to protect us but rather to stifle bad behavior, and that the TSA has a decidedly reactive mindset. I told me that he gives out nothing willingly and actively guards all of his information.
This doesn't seem to be a one off mindset in america. The scary part here is that there are fundmental flaws in this thinking. He told me that the government was not accountable for its own actions and that we were basically powerless against it. This mindset is what makes us powerless. Until we begin to hold the government accountable for its own actions, until we remember that we are the source of their power in the first place, we will continue to be at their whim.
The other part of his argument that really bothered me was when he said that the government does not protect us, they control us. He said that they are there to regulate behavior and provide a consequence for incorrect behavior. He then said that his greatest fear was that I vote.
Now correct me if I am wrong, but by providing consequences for incorrect actions and behaviors, you are protecting those with correct behaviors. By stopping the man from shooting someone you are protecting them. The government is there to provide order for society, part of providing that order is to protect them from each other.
I know this post is very different from my past griping about life and relationships, but this really bothered me. There are grown adults out there who truly think that the government is not accountable for its actions and that we should fear it. That is how America came into being in the first place, fear of an oppressive government. If it truly has become such a horrible system why do we not all rise up against it and start over?? Oh, because thats too much work right? Must not be that bad yet then.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Weekend from Hell
So this weekend was... interesting. I went home to find that I really dont like home as much as when Emily was there. I sat around and really didnt do much of anything. I had to come back up to school on Sunday though, because I needed to work the overnight. Thats about when life handed me my lemons.
I got back to campus and parked my minivan, took my bag upstairs and came back down to grab a box out of my van and who do I see walking down the hill, Yep, thats right. She was walking down with her new boyfriend. It was starting to rain now, and as I had been back for less than minutes I was very much focused on getting things unpacked. She said hey and I sorta half waved and grunted in acknowledgment and went about what I was doing. It started raining more and I went for a walk around campus with a friend after that. Its a great way to relieve stress and just talk about whatever. So I got back to my room soaked at about 11. I showered and got stuff together to go downstairs to settle in for the long night ahead.
I got downstairs to start my oh so fun 8 hour shift. I did some work on my resume and talked to some friends online and only managed to pass 2 hours. Thats about when it all really went downhill. See she happens to work overnights in one of the other buildings, and I knew she wanted to talk to me. We started a chat on Skype about 230 (seems to be a theme that the crappy conversations happen around 2am for me).
She accused me of being hostile. Because I did not want to meet the guy that was able to be everything to her that I couldn't I am hostile. Every time I answered a question it was the wrong answer. It always came back to me being hostile. She informed me that our conversation was over and that she couldn't be friends with someone who is so disrespectful and hostile. I guess I was sorta relieved.
This whole thing has torn my life apart over the past year. She has been the root source of more problems than solutions. Many of them were not her fault at all, but she was the source. Now that this drama is over, I feel like I can finally move forward. But its awkward too. We have classes together, are both in the same club, and overall are required to spend time together throughout the week. It makes for a few awkward moments here and there, though overall no more than anyone else I suppose.
This whole experience has opened my eyes again to something that I have always felt, Friends are more valuable than anyone else in your entire life for the simple reason of they dont have to be there. Friends make a choice to spend time with you and listen to your problems. They generally like you for who you are (if they are real friends). But this has reminded me of two things, people change, and people are often not who you think they are. Both were true here.
She was never who I wanted her to be, thats not her fault. She has also changed a lot over the past year, again, not all her fault. But together the changes have been for the worse from my point of view. I have a newfound appreciation of my friends, I treat them well, and in return I ask for little, simply someone to spend time with a occasionally listen when I have questions or problems in my life. But when my friends can no longer do that, there is no reason to hang on to them, I wont push them away, but if they want to leave they are more than free to go.
I hold no malice towards her, I wish her the best of luck in her life from here on out. However I am no longer going to go out of my way to do anything for her. She is a big girl, perhaps even an adult, and she has friends that are not hostile to show her where the print lab is, or to tell her which computers work. I am moving on in my life, I am leaving all of this drama behind me. I finally feel free to have other friends, to find new best friends, and to work on possibly letting go of Em.
I got back to campus and parked my minivan, took my bag upstairs and came back down to grab a box out of my van and who do I see walking down the hill, Yep, thats right. She was walking down with her new boyfriend. It was starting to rain now, and as I had been back for less than minutes I was very much focused on getting things unpacked. She said hey and I sorta half waved and grunted in acknowledgment and went about what I was doing. It started raining more and I went for a walk around campus with a friend after that. Its a great way to relieve stress and just talk about whatever. So I got back to my room soaked at about 11. I showered and got stuff together to go downstairs to settle in for the long night ahead.
I got downstairs to start my oh so fun 8 hour shift. I did some work on my resume and talked to some friends online and only managed to pass 2 hours. Thats about when it all really went downhill. See she happens to work overnights in one of the other buildings, and I knew she wanted to talk to me. We started a chat on Skype about 230 (seems to be a theme that the crappy conversations happen around 2am for me).
She accused me of being hostile. Because I did not want to meet the guy that was able to be everything to her that I couldn't I am hostile. Every time I answered a question it was the wrong answer. It always came back to me being hostile. She informed me that our conversation was over and that she couldn't be friends with someone who is so disrespectful and hostile. I guess I was sorta relieved.
This whole thing has torn my life apart over the past year. She has been the root source of more problems than solutions. Many of them were not her fault at all, but she was the source. Now that this drama is over, I feel like I can finally move forward. But its awkward too. We have classes together, are both in the same club, and overall are required to spend time together throughout the week. It makes for a few awkward moments here and there, though overall no more than anyone else I suppose.
This whole experience has opened my eyes again to something that I have always felt, Friends are more valuable than anyone else in your entire life for the simple reason of they dont have to be there. Friends make a choice to spend time with you and listen to your problems. They generally like you for who you are (if they are real friends). But this has reminded me of two things, people change, and people are often not who you think they are. Both were true here.
She was never who I wanted her to be, thats not her fault. She has also changed a lot over the past year, again, not all her fault. But together the changes have been for the worse from my point of view. I have a newfound appreciation of my friends, I treat them well, and in return I ask for little, simply someone to spend time with a occasionally listen when I have questions or problems in my life. But when my friends can no longer do that, there is no reason to hang on to them, I wont push them away, but if they want to leave they are more than free to go.
I hold no malice towards her, I wish her the best of luck in her life from here on out. However I am no longer going to go out of my way to do anything for her. She is a big girl, perhaps even an adult, and she has friends that are not hostile to show her where the print lab is, or to tell her which computers work. I am moving on in my life, I am leaving all of this drama behind me. I finally feel free to have other friends, to find new best friends, and to work on possibly letting go of Em.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Realizations
Adding to my list of realizations I have had the past two weeks is another pretty big one. It no secret that I used to have a best friend, and that I liked her. It is also no secret that it would never have worked out.
I talked to her Ex (who also happens to be a friend of mine) the other night, and we got on the topic of her. We talked about how I now understand much better why they broke up and why there is much tension between them still. He broke her heart, and she hates him for it. I don’t think she will ever admit that fact to anyone, let alone herself, but it's true nonetheless. Now doing what I do best I applied this tid bit to my life and relationships with other people.
I hated her. Less than a week ago I wanted to never see her again. I thought she was selfish and a total bitch. I even told her that. I was mad at her and I had a long list of reasons why. But none of those reasons was a good one, at least not good enough to warrant the level of pissed I was. I was skipping over the two real reasons. The first of which I have already written a post on, I was mad at myself for being dumb. The second reason however is more complicated. I thought I knew who she was and I really liked her. Turns out that I liked who I thought she was, I wanted to be with the person I made her out to be, not who she really is. So once I saw the truth, who she really is, it broke my heart. I hated her for the same reason she still hates him, though it wasn’t her fault.
The difference here is that I am able to admit my shortcomings and learn from them. I pride myself on the fact that sometimes I am not perfect and make mistakes, and I strive to become a better person because of that. I don’t want to be doomed to repeating the same mistakes over and over again, so I try to change enough as a person to not make those mistakes again.
We are now friends, though not as close as we once were. This whole debacle is now very much behind us, with one exception, Ryan. I don’t want to meet him, she thinks I should. Meeting him will only cause me to a) regret my past, b) feel sorrow for the mistakes that pushed her to him, and c) be jealous enough of him to make more mistakes that I will regret. I wont put myself in the situation, so for now, and the foreseeable future, I will not meet Ryan, I refuse.
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